An interesting, and sad, thing I’m learning about miscarriage is just how many people I know who can say “I know what you’re going through.” Honestly. So many people. I was talking with a group of moms at preschool pickup and in the group three of them said “me too, twice!” and one had infertility issues to deal with instead. These are all healthy, smart, strong, confident women raising healthy, beautiful children — conceived before and after their miscarriages. It seems like such a silent pain. They say to hold off telling people about early pregnancy “just in case” and when I first found out I miscarried I dreaded having to tell people, but the more people I told the more “normal” I felt. It would have been so much more painful thinking I was the only one and not being able to talk about it. I would also be left feeling much less confident about my ability to try again. I wish I never had to deal with this, and I wish all of my friends never had to deal with it either, but I have gained a sense of closeness and camaraderie with these other woman and it’s nice to know that in a time of pain I have so many friends. I think I have been hugged more, and by more people, this week than in a very long time. Thank you all.

“Baby Wigwam died in Mommy’s belly,” said Eve to the midwife. That about sums up my day.

I’m going to post this, though I’m not sure how to even say it. Or how to tell people. Thank you, thank you to my mom for telling so many people today! I’m dreading going to school this week and telling all the parents who know, or friends and acquaintances I so confidently told just a few weeks ago. It will be awkward, and awful. Sigh.

Sunday night and Monday morning I had spotting again. Old blood, not bad, I told myself. Early Monday afternoon it picked up in quantity and I called the nurse. We chatted, she said old blood, probably not bad. Call back if it gets worse. I had the kids at the playground then and when we got home around 5:30 it was worse! Heavy bleeding and no longer dark, “old” blood, now bright red. Alan was in MA so I fed and bathed the kids and prayed the bleeding would stop, while mentally preparing myself to take the kids to the hospital that night. Fortunately Alan got home earlier than expected. I called the midwife on call around 7pm and spoke with her for awhile. She said I could come in to the ER for a heartbeat check, but since I had a scheduled appointment at 8:30am the next day it would probably be best to wait until then. Since whatever is happening is happening and not going to change in a few hours. I cried myself to sleep and tried to convince myself that since I wasn’t having any cramping it must be something besides the worst.

Alan brought Lex to school and then met Eve and I at the hospital for our 8:30 appointment this morning. We went through the usual blah (new patient stuff) with the nurse and as soon as the midwife came in I told her that I really REALLY needed to hear a heartbeat. Now! She tried, and tried, and couldn’t find one. So we went down for an ultrasound. I had a heartbreaking moment when the technician put the wand to my belly. I immediately saw the baby and the bright spot of the baby’s heart, not beating. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was very clear. She said the baby measured 9 weeks… and I was in for a 13 week appointment. It makes me cry just to think about.

Back with the midwife she gave me options for next steps. I chose to have a D&C and she was able to schedule it, conveniently, for this afternoon. Amanda came up to watch the kids for us, which was awesome! Alan and I took them out to lunch and then came home for naps. She met us here and Alan and I went back to the hospital for the surgery. Horrible, horrible experience with sounds I may never forget. As we left the lady at the check-in desk said “It’s been a long day for you two.” I wonder if she even knew. 8:30-4pm is a long day at the hospital!

Home now, obviously. Trying to just rest and recover. The pain is very mild now and hopefully will remain that way. The kids are handling the whole thing well. Eve was with me at the hospital for the midwife appointments and the ultrasound. She did an amazing job of acting sweet and loving me when I needed it. Alan left to pick up Lex from school and told him. Apparently Lex asked if we could have another baby in the belly soon :) They are sad, but not heartbroken. I’m sure they don’t fully comprehend the scope. Eve assured me that the baby monster in her belly (named Eve) is still doing well and will be born in the winter. I love my family so much!

So for now, goodbye baby Wigwam, my sweet birthday baby. We will always love you.

(I did take a quick trip to Lex’s new school this evening for a Kindergarten information session. :) More on that another day.)

Just a quick update. Thank you all for your calls and emails. I think everything is ok. The spotting stopped Wednesday afternoon and I haven’t had any cramping or other issues. I remembered that I also did a strenuous exercise routine Tuesday morning, which may have had an impact, I’m not sure. I used to do it all the time before I was pregnant, but haven’t done it since the morning sickness kicked in. Anyway, no more of that, just in case! I’m going to take it easy for a few days and I’ll be sure to let everyone know how it goes at my checkup on Tuesday.

To end my blog spurt on a funny note, check out this girl! She cracks me up!

Sorry again for the sideways video…

I’ve been debating all day about posting this, and I’m going to, mostly for my own records (as you all know, this blog serves dual purposes!) However, please, please, please don’t worry, I’m sure everything is fine…

That said, I’m a tiny bit worried today. I had some spotting last night and a bit more today. I called the midwives (the ones I’ve seen already, not the new hospital) and said “I just need to hear that this is normal.” She said basically that it’s most likely normal and fine, especially since I haven’t had any cramps, but of course she had her caveats. She told me that I can come in anytime for a heartbeat check… which I’m contemplating. I feel a little guilty doing it when I have an appointment next week with the other midwife team, but I might go tomorrow, just to ease my mind. She didn’t hear a heartbeat when I was there last week, but it’s been almost a week, so maybe she can hear it now. If they don’t… well, I’m not sure if that will just make me more nervous. I know it is still a bit early for it. Sigh.

When the midwife called me with the results from my 7wk ultrasound she asked if I’d had any spotting. I said no. Never had any with any of my pregnancies. She said something about a blood spot showing up on the ultrasound and said it may cause spotting in the future. I hope that’s it!

We were going to be adventurous with this third pregnancy and go to the smaller, more personal hospital in the area. I’ve thought about it each time, but always ended up at the big place because it just seemed safer. After two easy (if you can say that about L&D!) and uneventful deliveries I thought we’d try something different. Silly me! I’ve gone to the midwives there for a few years now for gyn care and never had a problem, but it turns out that although the midwives are in-network with my health insurance, the hospital is not! Ooops! I assumed it was one and the same, but you know what they say about assuming?! So now, as I send an enormous payment for my 7wk ultrasound, I am settling my mind with the big hospital again. The midwives there are nice, the birthing area is top-notch, the food is available 24/7 (an important criteria for Alan!), and we will be happy there. I called to set up an appointment with them and heard a familiar voice on the other end of the line, and she remembered me! The scheduling lady is Tatha and I think we remember each other with the close and unusual names :) Anyway, next week Eve and I will go in and see a midwife I’ve seen before with my previous pregnancies and hopefully hear a heartbeat this time! So, friends and family, you’ll know where to find my come early November!! :)

We went shopping last week when Alan had the day off and I bought a Coke (to ease the nausea), running shoes, and a Bella Band. I never had one with the other pregnancies (I used rubber bands instead!) but it looked neat. Heading home I was laughing at the combination of things I had purchased. The running shoes are awesome. I finally got a chance to go out this weekend. The weather has been beautiful, but when I had time with no kids it was 40 and windy!! Oh well, I went anyway! I couldn’t make it as far as I was last fall, but I did ok.

Yesterday I was feeling fat and blah and dreading buttoning my jeans. The day before I put on a pair of slacks instead of jeans. They used to be my “skinny pants” but now they are too big. :) Eve saw them and said, “Ohh… you look fancy!” Baggy slacks with a pen mark on them. Goes to show what my normal attire is! Anyway, yesterday I was back in jeans and after unbuttoning them in the car and accidentally leaving them unbuttoned while I did some shopping at the produce market (oops!) I remembered the Bella Band! Yay! It’s very comfy, though I’m still playing with how to wear it just right. Happy 10 weeks belly! :)

Here we are at nine weeks again. We were here two weeks ago, before the ultrasound tech decided baby was really only seven weeks. Oh well. Baby is still doing a good job of striping me of all energy and making me feel constantly nauseous. Just baby’s little way of making sure I don’t forget :) I’ll tell ya though, I don’t know how people handle this first trimester stuff with a houseful of kids. I’ve had roughly the same symptoms with each pregnancy, but they seem so different. When I was pregnant with Lex I was self-employed and was able to rest when I needed to and take care of myself. With Eve, Lex was still young and we were busy with the new house and changing jobs, but he still napped twice a day and we didn’t have any firm schedules. Now with preschool and swimming and playdates and two active kids, I can barely make it through the day… even though I nap with them every day! By lunch time and bedtime I am a very cranky mommy. I hope the kids don’t remember these days well :) I tell them often that it takes a lot of energy to raise two kids and even more energy to grow a baby inside and I’m just pretty low on energy. They are sweet and seem to understand, but I still feel bad for being so tired! We had a playdate today with five kids (my two plus three others) and by the time everyone left at 5pm I was whipped! Sigh. How do people do this with their fourth and fifth pregnancies?!?

I got a call from the midwife this afternoon at about quarter to five. I was so happy because I meant to call her and forgot all day! Anyway, she said the ultrasound from this week showed a 7wk baby, not a 9wk baby and she adjusted my due date to November 9th. A birthday baby!?! I think this date is more accurate based on the late positive test result and “delayed” morning sickness. Based on this new number the morning sickness actually came a bit earlier with this pregnancy and we announced the pregnancy VERY early! Eeek! I’ve already started seeing some weight gain (which is scary after 2yrs of WW!) and I’m a little bummed that I probably have even longer than I’d expected to deal with the morning sickness. Maybe it won’t last the whole 12 weeks. One can hope, right? I keep reminding myself that this is the final pregnancy so I need to enjoy, or at least respect, the whole thing. No complaining! (repeat as needed) For now I take Goldfish to bed with me and the kids get a kick out of sharing a snack with me at 6am as we all head downstairs. The weight gain will be what it will be and I’m going to have another beautiful baby!!! A birthday baby! :)

7 week ultrasound

We got a sneak peek at baby yesterday at an early ultrasound. The midwife isn’t confident on my due date (like the date matters anyway!) so she sent us in for an early peek. The appointment didn’t quite go as planned. I scheduled it for 5:30pm so Alan and the kids could all come. The midwife said to stop at the lab first for some blood work. I assumed I could do a quick blood draw with the kids around, so I didn’t ask Alan to get there early for that. The blood draw went fine (Eve even picked out a sticker for me since I did such a good job!) but then the nurse said she needed a urine sample! Eek. That was a bit trickier with both kids in tow. They were fascinated by what I was doing and wanted to help, Eve almost pulled the emergency call string which freaked Lex out, and the whole place was dimly lit with no counter space. The whole process took far too long and talk about no privacy! Then we went up to radiology. While we waited Lex read the following sign to Eve. “If you are pregnant or might be pregnant please alert the technologist.” Alan and I were so impressed with the reading that it wasn’t until hours later we realized the humor in the sign. And error. Technologist?? Anyway, we went into the room and the first thing the ultrasound tech says is, “So, you have a nice full bladder, right?” Umm… no!!! He grumbled when I told him the lab tech had me do a urine sample. Apparently a full bladder “provides a nice clear window into the uterus.” He couldn’t see much through my empty bladder so we did an internal ultrasound instead. Yuck! Once again the kids probably saw more than they should have. Or maybe not, they were pretty distracted with all the stuff in the room to look at. The fun part was when we all got to see the little flickering heart beat! (though if you ask Lex he’ll probably tell you the fun part was all the books they had in the room) The technician isn’t allowed to “read” the ultrasound so I have to wait for a radiologist to read it and then send the files over to the midwives. He said by Friday they should have the files, so I’ll call on Friday to see if they are going to change the due date. We had an early ultrasound with Eve (though not quite as early) because Lex was 8 days late and they stuck with the original due date and she ended up being 6 days late anyway, sooo…. I’m expecting a November baby regardless of what date they choose :)

I showed this picture to a friend this morning. She is a family doctor. I said I know it’s just a little dot, but I want to show you. She grinned and said, “what a nice embryonic sac you have!” I think that will be my new ultrasound picture response. I love it! :)

Guess what Lex told me this morning at breakfast? He said, “Mom, I’m so excited for the new baby. Then there will be FOUR people in this house for me to hug and love.” Isn’t that sweet!?! He told me he would hug the baby gently and he could could carry the baby if I needed help and he would always have lots of books ready to read while I nurse. Yesterday he asked if the baby would have birthday cake and, if so, would the baby share with him :) Eve has decided she needs to learn how to read so she can read stories to the baby (she isn’t actually making much effort that way though!) She also includes the new baby when she’s divvying things up. Sorting fabric pieces the other day she said, “One for me, one for Lex, one for the baby, one for mommy, and one for daddy.” I love how these thoughts come on their own, not in relation to conversations we’ve just had or anything, but all on their own. They make me happy.