We got an email from the director this afternoon.  Eve did not get a callback.  :(

It was a very nice email.  After waiting excitedly all day, I showed her the email when it came in and she said, “Oh, that’s sad.  I hope Anna got in though!”  I found out a little later that Anna did get a callback, as did the friend Eve was rehearsing with last week.

I am having weird feelings about it all.  I think it’s disappointment mixed with relief.  Maybe some sadness in there.  The production schedule is insane and I don’t know that she has the stamina for it.  Or that I do.  Also, homework becomes a thing in 6th grade and it was a huge thing for brother.  I suspect it will be a huge thing for Eve as well.  New school, lots of homework, and a heavy production schedule would have made for a rough few months.  Amazing, I’m sure, but rough.

I am also fighting the urge to ask her drama teacher if Eve even has any real talent.  I think she’s a great actress and has a good voice.  Plenty of drama!  However, she hasn’t gotten a speaking part in any of the plays she’s been in and her roles have been minimal.  I sit at the lunch table with the drama teacher and listen to the conversations about kids with amazing voices, and how well so-and-so did in their leading role, and how great so-and-so will be at this or that.  Eve’s name is never mentioned.  I emailed the drama teacher this evening to let her know the results, since she was nice enough to give Eve a few pointers earlier in the week, and she responded with: “I spoke to [the director] earlier this afternoon so I already knew.”  No, “Oh, so sorry to hear she didn’t get it” or “better luck next time” or “she would have been great, but you know the competition is tough.”  Nothing encouraging at all for next time.  That said, she’s an amazing lady and it was a quick email, so obviously I shouldn’t read too much into it… but does that mean Eve has no talent?

Then I feel angry because, what the hell!?  Even if I did ask and the drama teacher said she has no real talent, what would I do with that information?  Tell a just-barely eleven year old to give up on her dreams of acting because she’s not good enough?!  At eleven!!  Why are we even thinking about whether there’s talent at this age. She’s a child!  She crawls in dirt piles and bites her nails and sleeps with a lovey.  I don’t care if she has talent.  I want her to try it all and be proud of herself.  I want her to have the confidence to give it a shot, even when she’s nervous.  I don’t want ANYONE to ever tell her she’s not good enough.

So anyway, I’m sitting here with a heavy heart; part relief and part sadness.  I guess part anger too.  And a stomach ache from trying to heal the heart with food.

At least we got some beautiful photos out of the deal.  The bottom one is what we used for her head shot at the audition.  My friend Anisha took them.  She sent six to chose from.  I like these two best.  <3

Eve auditioned for Matilda today.  It was a roller coaster 24hours.  Shortly after deciding to do it, Eve had the lines memorized and was 100% confident in herself.  She had no need to practice, no need to sing in front of people, and no need for voice coaching.  She was good.  I was nervous (for her).  I encouraged her to talk to the 4th grade teacher who runs the school drama club.  She eventually agreed and by the time we were able to coordinate schedules it was this past Thursday, just two days before the audition.  Guess what?  The teacher told her she wasn’t ready at all.  Surprise.  One of the songs she was planning to sing is Hard Knock Life, from Annie, and it turns out the version she had been rehearsing with on Pandora was slightly different than the theater version we had the sheet music for.  That threw a HUGE crimp her her plan, and confidence.  Friday night she was a wreck.  Tears, anger (at the music), and frustration (at the world).  We had a long talk about it and she eventually went to bed and passed out.  BTW – Eve is always tired on Friday afternoons and it’s never really a good time to push her.  Saturday morning came and we had another chat.  She insisted she wanted to audition and even (kind of) owned her mistakes.  We talked a lot about confidence and “fake it ’till you make it” and her thoughts on acting, and lots of other stuff.  She said practicing was making her nervous and she just wanted to go in and do it.  She listened to the music (on the app with the sheet music) several times and declared herself ready.  I went to shower and when I came back I found her dressed and ready. She was wearing sweats and a print t-shirt, so I suggested, tentatively, that she might want to wear something a tiny bit nicer. Much to my surprise, she agreed and put on a dress!!

We went out to lunch at Panera Bread because this mother knows her daughter is always more positive when she is well fed and because I wanted to make it a fun day for her.  We had lunch and got to the audition with plenty of time. In fact, we had enough time to take a walk around the block and just be relaxed.

She looks relaxed, right? :)

When it was her turn she went in and gave it a go.  She knows the director from when she did the Shakespeare in School program.  The guy is very nice and very positive.  He was happy to see her and made her feel comfortable. She did make one mistake during her Annie song, but he stopped her and had her start again and she did it right.  He gave her lots of verbal praise at the end and even gave me a hug, much to my surprise.  Maybe that means she did well?

Truthfully, I don’t care if she goes on.  I’m just so proud that she stuck with it, through the hard times, and chose to get herself to that audition.  She was nervous, she had all the feels, and she CHOSE to get herself there and audition anyway, despite the nerves.  That is a big step for her.  <3

Afterwards we went grocery shopping.  Right back to life as usual. :)

On another Eve note, last weekend she made a scavenger hunt for me.  It was very silly. I asked if Lex could come too, because I didn’t feel like wandering around outside by myself trying to figure out her clues.  She said ok so Lex and I followed her marker-on-cardboard clues and had fun.  The final clue was a secret knock, which she answered, and we found the “treasure.”

When she first asked me to do the treasure hunt and was all secret about the treasure, I reminded her that I had just eaten breakfast and wasn’t ready for cake. I had a feeling her “treasure” was birthday cake. So we got back and discovered cake for Lex and pb&j on english muffin for me. LOL.

The clues.

Arlo was sad that there was no treasure for him.

She is an amazing girl, even with all the ups and downs.