I haven’t ranted here in awhile. I’d love to say it’s because life has been all roses and sunshine, but mostly it’s just because I’ve been too busy! :) There have been lots of roses and sunshine, or Christmas lights and fairy books, but that’s not all that’s going on.
This evening’s rant concerns parenting books. I’ve read a few in my day. Not all, but many, and there is one thing they all have in common. They offer up a nice “easy” solution to a very specific problem, but they never address the fall-out. For example: mealtime in my house is a recurring issue. Every book I’ve ever read says that if the child is behaving appropriately then you take away the meal. That’s it. Dinner is over. Easy peasy. Right? What they fail to discuss is what comes next. Do they assume the child will say, “Ok, thanks for dinner. I’ll go put myself to bed now.” Or, “Meal time is over? Oh, I guess I’ll try harder tomorrow. Good night.” NO! Of course not. Instead what happens is that fighting ensues. The child won’t leave the table. The child cries, knocks things over, hides under the table, bugs other people, etc. Now we are in tantrum mode, leaving you the recommended option of ignoring or physically removing the child.
Now we flip to “tantrum” in the parenting books and they all say the same thing. Ignore the tantrum. Walk away. Don’t engage. This may work in the grocery store (the most common example in the books) when you want the child to recover from the tantrum and follow you, but it sure as heck DOESN’T work at the dinner table when you just want the child to go away. Maybe you can ignore a bit of crying in the other room, but it’s mighty hard to ignore the kid under the table, kicking siblings’ chairs, crying, and being generally disruptive. By this point everyone is engaged! Ignore. Walk away. Tell me how that’s supposed to work?
So instead one falls back to threats (whee!) and physically removing the child. My kids are getting a bit big for that option! Threats get them out of the room, but that only serves to move the fight upstairs where screaming and door slamming ensues.
All because you followed that one sweet little piece of advice and removed the plate when the behavior at the table was unacceptable.
Just once I’d like to see a parenting expert walk through the whole process, with a real kid who escalates and pushes back, literally and figuratively! That’s probably where they get paid the big bucks though, Super Nanny style.
Maybe they’re all full of it, or maybe I’m just reading the wrong books!
Ok, rant over. In general my kids are wonderful, of course! There are just those few nagging issues that, when I try to address them, invariably escalate, leaving me exhausted and wishing I hadn’t bothered in the first place.
It reminds me of a stormy night, seven years ago. Lex was a newborn and we were driving somewhere in the dark. A friend of mine from parenting class called and we chatted a bit. Alan was driving, don’t worry. Lightening was everywhere. She was about 15 years older than me and a very nervous mother. She called, in tears of frustration, and kept telling me, “The parenting books are wrong! They all lie!” Now… if only I could remember what words of reassurance I offered her. (just kidding, I know and of course those same words apply to my rants as well.)
Ok, seriously done because now my rant has turned into a ramble. Read below for a happy Holiday Milkshake post. :)
