An interesting, and sad, thing I’m learning about miscarriage is just how many people I know who can say “I know what you’re going through.” Honestly. So many people. I was talking with a group of moms at preschool pickup and in the group three of them said “me too, twice!” and one had infertility issues to deal with instead. These are all healthy, smart, strong, confident women raising healthy, beautiful children — conceived before and after their miscarriages. It seems like such a silent pain. They say to hold off telling people about early pregnancy “just in case” and when I first found out I miscarried I dreaded having to tell people, but the more people I told the more “normal” I felt. It would have been so much more painful thinking I was the only one and not being able to talk about it. I would also be left feeling much less confident about my ability to try again. I wish I never had to deal with this, and I wish all of my friends never had to deal with it either, but I have gained a sense of closeness and camaraderie with these other woman and it’s nice to know that in a time of pain I have so many friends. I think I have been hugged more, and by more people, this week than in a very long time. Thank you all.

“Baby Wigwam died in Mommy’s belly,” said Eve to the midwife. That about sums up my day.

I’m going to post this, though I’m not sure how to even say it. Or how to tell people. Thank you, thank you to my mom for telling so many people today! I’m dreading going to school this week and telling all the parents who know, or friends and acquaintances I so confidently told just a few weeks ago. It will be awkward, and awful. Sigh.

Sunday night and Monday morning I had spotting again. Old blood, not bad, I told myself. Early Monday afternoon it picked up in quantity and I called the nurse. We chatted, she said old blood, probably not bad. Call back if it gets worse. I had the kids at the playground then and when we got home around 5:30 it was worse! Heavy bleeding and no longer dark, “old” blood, now bright red. Alan was in MA so I fed and bathed the kids and prayed the bleeding would stop, while mentally preparing myself to take the kids to the hospital that night. Fortunately Alan got home earlier than expected. I called the midwife on call around 7pm and spoke with her for awhile. She said I could come in to the ER for a heartbeat check, but since I had a scheduled appointment at 8:30am the next day it would probably be best to wait until then. Since whatever is happening is happening and not going to change in a few hours. I cried myself to sleep and tried to convince myself that since I wasn’t having any cramping it must be something besides the worst.

Alan brought Lex to school and then met Eve and I at the hospital for our 8:30 appointment this morning. We went through the usual blah (new patient stuff) with the nurse and as soon as the midwife came in I told her that I really REALLY needed to hear a heartbeat. Now! She tried, and tried, and couldn’t find one. So we went down for an ultrasound. I had a heartbreaking moment when the technician put the wand to my belly. I immediately saw the baby and the bright spot of the baby’s heart, not beating. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was very clear. She said the baby measured 9 weeks… and I was in for a 13 week appointment. It makes me cry just to think about.

Back with the midwife she gave me options for next steps. I chose to have a D&C and she was able to schedule it, conveniently, for this afternoon. Amanda came up to watch the kids for us, which was awesome! Alan and I took them out to lunch and then came home for naps. She met us here and Alan and I went back to the hospital for the surgery. Horrible, horrible experience with sounds I may never forget. As we left the lady at the check-in desk said “It’s been a long day for you two.” I wonder if she even knew. 8:30-4pm is a long day at the hospital!

Home now, obviously. Trying to just rest and recover. The pain is very mild now and hopefully will remain that way. The kids are handling the whole thing well. Eve was with me at the hospital for the midwife appointments and the ultrasound. She did an amazing job of acting sweet and loving me when I needed it. Alan left to pick up Lex from school and told him. Apparently Lex asked if we could have another baby in the belly soon :) They are sad, but not heartbroken. I’m sure they don’t fully comprehend the scope. Eve assured me that the baby monster in her belly (named Eve) is still doing well and will be born in the winter. I love my family so much!

So for now, goodbye baby Wigwam, my sweet birthday baby. We will always love you.

(I did take a quick trip to Lex’s new school this evening for a Kindergarten information session. :) More on that another day.)