I have been crafting this post in my head for a week now. Debating about what to post, whether or not to post, will I even remember the details, etc. Sometimes when I’m lying in bed with the kids at night I can make it sound just right in my head. Of course that will not be the case now that I’m at the keyboard.
Lex
Children are such puzzles. Sometimes their behavior shifts suddenly and drastically and leaves you feeling confused and concerned. Such a thing happened with Lex two (three?) weeks ago. I went to pick him up one day and his teacher was there instead. She told me he’d had an AWFUL day. He was rude to his teachers, stubborn, obstinate, disrespectful, etc. Very unlike Lex and she was concerned. I think this was a Thursday. He and I chatted a lot and he said “I have no idea!” or “You know I can’t remember!” He gave me no clues. The next few days were a little better, but then he started up again. His stubbornness started to focus on writing. He refused to write in his journal or at reading group. One day his teacher kept him in for recess and he said, “Good because the weather hasn’t been very comfortable for recess lately anyway.” He spent time in the office, he had several meetings with the principal, he missed recess, he missed snack time, he was just a rude, stubborn mess.
His teacher and I brainstormed together. Trying to pinpoint if something happened. Perhaps someone insulted his writing (his teacher told the principal that he’s the best writer in the class!), or someone wasn’t being nice to him at recess, or they were challenging him at reading group. We came up with A LOT of ideas! She tried a few things. I tried a few things. Nothing. She said he was more stubborn than ever.
As a parent I was left worrying about him (is something happening to him at school that he won’t tell me?!) and worrying for him (will he become that kid that the teachers all dread?). Also, of course, concerned for the teacher. She has a big class and doesn’t need to be dealing with this nonsense. Part of me hoped mine wasn’t the only problem child, but of course for her sake I sort of hoped he was.
Last Wednesday I was volunteering in the library and she came up to chat. She told me the principal had had a long conversation with Lex and was concerned about the situation. She was pleased with how the principal was handling it and agreed with him that we should all have a meeting together. He is a perfectly nice guy but I don’t want to go to the principal’s office!!
That night I decided we needed a new plan. Instead of trying to figure out what the problem was, I decided to try and just get past it. Perhaps something happened weeks ago and Lex was just stuck. He is a sameness kind of guy, after all. Perhaps he didn’t even know what the problem was anymore. So, remembering how well a sticker chart worked for us last year, I decided to try the same thing again. I proposed the idea to Lex and he loved it. He even made his own chart. We decided to hang it at school and ask his teacher to dole out a sticker at the end of the day if he has a good day. Five stickers in a row earns a small prize. Guess what? He’s like a whole new kid. Problem solved. Five days later his teacher said he has been cooperative and sweet and a pleasure to have around. “It’s like we have the old Lex back again!” she told me today.
Lex and his new sticker chart. His first prize was a picnic dinner in the living with Mr. Poppers Penguins.
I’m very pleased, but left kind of scratching my head. Was there a real problem? Had I tried this sticker idea after the first bad day could we have avoided the whole situation? Several people have commented that he’s playing me to get treats, but I don’t think so. I think he was truly having problems at school and just couldn’t handle it. What the problems were though, I guess we’ll never know.
At least I’m not being called into the principals office anymore! :)
Eve
Eve, on the other hand, is a perfect angel to the world while simultaneously killing me slowly with her tiny whines and foot stomps and other rude behaviors. Each individual occurrence is tiny and not a problem, but they build over the course of a day until we end up screaming at each other. Parenting at it’s finest. For the past few weeks I have been hoping she gets it together, gets past this phase, straightens up, etc. I have also been dreading the pre-teen years with this behavior!
Two nights ago while I was washing away the evening’s fight with lots of wine (kids were already in bed, don’t worry!) it occurred to me that “hoping” doesn’t really count as parenting. Maybe if I were a little more proactive… but it’s tough when the behavior is so small and happens anywhere and everywhere. Not like hitting where you have a clear consequence.
So I devised another plan. Another sticker chart. We now start each day with a half a roll of nickels in my pocket. Each time Eve is rude or disrespectful, stomps her foot, doesn’t stop her incessant noise after someone has asked her too, etc., I visually and obviously take a nickel from the roll and put it in my other pocket. If she has nickels left in the roll at the end of the day she gets a sticker on her chart. Five stickers in a row earns her a prize, just like Lex.
I thought for sure she would take a few days before she got a sticker, but guess what?! Yesterday was the nicest day we’ve had in a long time! She only lost five nickels, three of them at bathtime when she was protesting Alan bathing her. She happily earned her sticker. She’s only lost three so far today.
A very happy Eve with her new sticker chart.
Is this problem really solved? Was it really so easy? Why didn’t I do this weeks ago? Will the nice behavior continue if we stop doing the nickels? If not, maybe I’ll just do them forever!
—
Overall I think I earned a few stickers myself for these two accomplishments. At least a pat on the back. I’m going to say bribery is ok as a last resort. That’s my professional parenting opinion and I’m sticking to it! I now have a son who likes school again, a daughter who is happy and cooperative, and a husband who doesn’t have to come home to a miserable me every evening. Win-win-win-win!
