I’m happy to say that I got the kids into
a daycare today. Yay! It’s actually the same daycare Lex went
to when he was a baby. We stopped by today and the kids loved
it. Lex walked in, looked around, took his shoes off and
started playing. Eve looked around and snuggled into my legs. I
held her for a few minutes until she warmed up (since when is
she the shy one?) and then she was off and running. They will
be in separate rooms, but able to see each other whenever they
want. They will also have meals together and be outside
together. I think that will be more than enough together time
for them :) I previously arranged to go into work this
Wednesday afternoon for a few hours of training, so I decided
to bring the kids to daycare all day Wednesday… leaving me
with a free morning!!! My mind is already racing with all the
things I want to do that morning. Enough things to fill a week,
actually, so we’ll see what really gets done. Then next week
they will start two days a week. I’m super happy that they were
excited and happy there. Hopefully the enthusiasm lasts (on all
of our parts!).

Here are a few videos from earlier in the
week. I love the reading ones. I just love seeing them reading
together. Lex is funny with his hugs for Eve. He is so lovey
and she’s always pushing him away. Poor boy just loves his
sister! The other one is from the other day when Parrish came
over to play. Right in the beginning Eve asks him to dance with
her (he was dancing a few minutes before I started the video).
Then she dances alone a few minutes later. They are so
cute.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9H8KtAoooc]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xhOsaNd4so]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gn61oNFfnYY]

When
Alan told Eve that she couldn’t tickle herself (she was trying
hard!), she asked “why?” of course, so he busted out his Mind
Hacks book and they all had fun learning about tickling. :)
Always a good time when daddy is around!

My Mother’s Day gift was Alan taking care of me and the
kids! I got to sleep in and exercise and he kept them happy.
Then Eve and I went swimming and he kept Lex. Then we all
played and had fun in the kitchen. It was a very nice day
:)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuS8u2dQg9M]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMSh2GbkbpU]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDvUH2PXscM]

Eve and I went to
the Aquatic Center today to do a little make-up swim lesson. On
the way we saw a GIGANTIC turtle by the side of the road. The
turtle was walking, slowly, towards the road. I pulled over and
moments later a few other people did to. The turtle promptly
laid down and stopped moving. We were all a bit concerned that
the turtle would try to cross the road and there’s no way it
would have made it! I think it could have done some damage to a
car too! Anyway, we hung out for awhile and then a game warden
happened by. He pulled over when he saw the turtle, or the
crowd, and told us that it’s a female snapping turtle and
trying to lay eggs. He said they prefer the gravely, compacted
soil by the sides of the road. He said he hadn’t seen this
specific one, but he said all over town there are turtles
laying eggs by the side of the road. Weird, huh? He said he
didn’t think she would cross the road, more likely just lay
eggs and go back to the swampy area she came from. He also said
that snapping turtles have necks over a foot long and reach out
and snap super quickly. We hung out for a bit longer than went
off to the splash park.

While swimming
Eve drew tons of attention, a group of older women even broke
into applause after one particularly spectacular jump into the
water. She has a great mix of personality, always entertaining,
and fun in the water. She attracts attention everywhere we
go.

Last night I accidentally put Eve to bed
in a regular diaper instead of an overnight diaper. When Alan
and I went up to bed I went in to check on them (we always do)
I figured I’d change her into an overnight diaper. I walked in
and found her sleeping peacefully, arms and legs tucked under
her, and butt up in the air. Bare naked butt!!! She took off
her pants and her diaper and was sleeping happily. I could
barely contain my laughter! I debated about taking a picture,
but the camera didn’t work well anyway, so that answered that
question. Luckily she took off the diaper AFTER she peed, so
the diaper was wet but the bed was dry.

First of all I want to thank you all for
your love and support. Your emails, calls, and kind words go a
long way towards making me feel like less of a crazy person.
Thank you for sharing your own crazy moments too. It’s nice to
know I’m not the only one who struggles with this kind of
thing. Julie made a great point about how we are not really
meant to do this alone. These days we are so isolated in our
own little worlds and children are so exhausting and
all-consuming. Dads are great, but usually working full-time
and can’t always come home when things get rough, family is
usually far away (and working as well) and friends are dealing
with their own children and lives… It’s tough and I guess we
just do the best we can each day.

Anyway, after the kids fell asleep last night, Alan came
home and we had a chance to discuss. In addition to all the
craziness, I found myself telling him about three bright spots
in our day. I thought I’d share with you all as well:

1) When I was writing yesterday’s post,
on paper, the kids were sitting at the table with me having a
snack. At one point Eve asked what I was doing and I told her
that I was writing. Of course she asked why and I said it made
me feel better. A few minutes later Lex piped up and said, “Yes
Eve, you’re right, Mom is angry at me and she’s writing to make
herself feel better.” It made me laugh. I love that he
processes information and then tells Eve. Such a great way to
learn.

2) When I let Lex come downstairs
after his 40 minute break, I asked if he wanted to go outside
and get the mail for me. I’ve been thinking for awhile that he
might like that job, but we’ve never done it before. I gave him
three rules (be careful on the road, get all the mail, close
the box) and sent him on his way. Eve and I watched from the
screen door. It was drizzling, but he was super excited to go
out. He was very careful by the road, slowing down and looking
both ways about half way down the driveway. Then he opened the
box and was even more excited to see a Highlights magazine! He
promptly opened it up and started reading! Right there in the
street, in the rain! Crazy kid. I had to call out to him to get
him to come back. He grabbed the rest of the mail, closed the
box, and came back. Once inside he dropped everything on the
floor, including himself, and started reading the magazine.
There was also Pampered Chef magazine in the mail so Eve sat
down next to him and started reading that! I ran for the
camera, but sadly missed the picture. I have the memory though
and that helps.

3) After dinner the kids
decided to play hide-and-seek. I love it when they play
together. Eve always hides behind the curtain, giggling and
peeking out. Lex is getting really good at hiding, and by good
I mean he hides! And he stays in his hiding place until you
find him! Giggling all the while :) After a few minutes they
asked me to play, so I counted and seeked, while they hid. Then
Lex decided to seek and did a great job saying, “Where’s Eve???
Is she under the table? Nope! Is she in the cabinet? Nope!” Of
course he knew where she was (can’t miss the giggling!) but he
did a great job playing along. I makes my heart happy when they
play so sweetly together.

Amazing
how one day can be filled with so many highs and lows!

Today was peaceful. We went to the playground
this morning, had a nice quiet time/nap time this afternoon,
then went outside to color on the street with chalk (which
reminds me, there is still plastic wrap in the mailbox and
sidewalk chalk in our newspaper box… hmmm… I guess the mail
lady and newspaper lady will have a little surprise tomorrow).
Then we planted green beans and carrots along with the garlic
in my haphazard garden. I had the best of intentions, but
apparently no motivation, so we’ll do a simple garden again
this year. A good day was had by all.

In
other news, this morning I went to meet with a guy from my old
company (where I worked when Lex was a baby) and he very
happily offered me part-time work. So as soon as I can find
daycare, I’ll be working two days a week. I think this will be
good for all of us. Lex played hard with kids at the playground
today, which reassured me that he needs more interaction with
kids his own age. I’m looking forward to it. Wish me luck!! And
thanks again for all the love and support. I’ll see if I can
get some photos up here soon, the blog is looking a little text
heavy!

I wrote the following, on paper, this
morning while trying to tune out my life. I debated all
afternoon about posting it and finally decided to go ahead and
do it. It’s not pretty, I’ll warn you now. Those of you who’ve
been there will probably laugh at me, and those who haven’t
will probably reconsider ever having a 4yr old!

Anger
I think I was
angrier at Lex this morning than I’ve ever been. Not
out-of-control-kicking-and-screaming angry (that came later!),
just calm, deep anger. It scared me.

For
the past few weeks (two, maybe three) we’ve been having a fight
almost every morning. Lex will lose control for one reason or
another (today it was because he didn’t get the music he
wanted), he’ll start crying and getting physical, I (or Alan)
will put him in his room and we’ll proceed to spend a long time
(over an hour one day!) holding his door closed. Eventually he
will settle down, but not until after a ton of tears, beating
on the door, and throwing random things around his room. It’s
miserable for everyone. Alan suggested getting a lock on the
door, but I think he’ll just pull it out. We need to find a
better way to deal with this. Right now I feel like we’re
paying full attention to the fussing kid and ignoring poor Eve,
who is acting very sweet. Then he bounces back and is happy and
ready to play, but Alan and I feel exhausted and beat down, and
all I want to do is tune them out, which probably doesn’t
help.

This morning Eve asked to listen
to a specific CD. When I started to put it on Lex decided he
wanted a different one, then got angry and threw the CD and a
book at me! The other morning he threw wooden train tracks at
the TV!!! After a while in the office (Alan was sleeping and I
was trying not to wake him… no luck) with me holding the door
closed, he settled down enough that we could go out to Eve’s
swimming lesson. Sadly, when we got there and I tried to check
him in to the childcare room he threw another huge fit. We
discussed it the whole way over and he knew that was the plan
because fussy boys don’t get to swim. I was so angry that we
were still fighting, and in public this time, but mostly
because Eve had to miss her lesson (that she LOVES and we
already paid for) and I didn’t feel like there was anything I
could do about it. Can’t leave a kicking and screaming kid with
the nice lady in the play room, as much as I would have liked
to!! Eve was super sweet and didn’t fuss, but it still isn’t
fair to her. When we got home I put him upstairs and was hugely
relieved that he settled down and didn’t continue to fight. We
often can’t leave him alone up there because he’ll throw things
down the stairs and climb the gate. Today he fussed a bit, but
was mostly calm. I left him up there for about 40 minutes while
I tried to pay Eve some good attention, though I really just
wanted to eat blueberry muffins and lose myself in my computer
or a good book!

I think a big part of
the problem is his diet. He doesn’t eat much, but what he does
eat is mainly bagels and crackers. A carboholic after my own
heart. He’ll sometimes eat sunflower or soy butter sandwiches,
often dried fruit, and lots of milk and oatmeal. I tell myself
it’s ok because it’s not junk food, but I think he may need
more fruits and veggies and probably more food in general. It’s
hard to get him to sit still and eat, he just bounces around
and plays. I want to duct tape him (both of them, really) into
his chair until he eats a reasonable amount of healthy
food!

Now for the mommy guilt. I’ve
started job hunting. Mostly because we need money, but part of
me wonders if I’m just sick of my kids and, if so, what kind of
mom does that make me?!? They are both full of crazy these days
and “why, why, why” and Lex is soooo argumentative and having
trouble grasping the fact that you don’t always get what you
want. He is also very strong and getting more and more
physical, lots of pushing, hitting, throwing, etc. I know these
are all normal and healthy developmental stages, but I feel
like a crazy person lately. Why!?!! I want to be a stronger,
better mother, but I also want to curl up in a hole and check
out for a few days. We just need more stability around here.
And sanity. Next post will be happier, I
promise.

The rest of my day
included a huge fight at “quiet” time with poor Eve falling
asleep to a royal rumble outside her door. He managed to calm
down and stay in my room just long enough for me to get a
shower, then they were both up again. I got a break in the
afternoon because I put in a movie for them to watch. Then
dinner, bath (relatively fight-free) and another brawl at
bedtime. I really need to get control of my own anger. And more
sleep.

I think our problem is
three-fold. 1) Diet 2) The fact that we have no safe space to
put him when he has a tantrum 3) Just his age. I think we can
address 1) and 2) and I guess we’ll just have to wait out 3).
It occurred to me this afternoon that this is nowhere in this
entire house that I can put him, mid tantrum, and just walk
away. He can open all of the doors, climbs the baby gate at the
top of the stairs, and I found out this evening that he can
open the baby gate at the top of the stairs! So when he’s
having a meltdown there is no where I can put him and walk away
myself, just to get a break. I have to remain involved in the
tantrum, thereby raising my anger levels and ignoring Eve. My
love for him is so strong and it scares me that my anger can be
just as strong. I feel like all of my parenting knowledge and
skill just melts away.

Anyway, I have a
ton of Pampered Chef stuff to do and a very messy house, but I
think I’m going to bed early tonight. I feel like I’ve been run
over by a truck!

PS. Ironically, my friend sent
me this today: “Tessa
Johnson Announced as 2009 Mother of the
Year.”

The kids are in bed. I was on the phone
and heard a big thump. Figuring Eve was out of bed, I hurried
up there as soon as I got off the phone. To my surprise she was
still in the pack-n-play. As soon as I opened the door she
popped her head up and said, “I need to pee!” I laughed and
went over to get her. As I leaned over to pick her up she said,
“Where’s my diaper?” I patted her butt and discovered she had
taken off her pants and her diaper! I laughed and sent her into
the bathroom while I found her a new diaper. In the bathroom I
found that she did indeed have to pee, and she even got some of
it in the potty (the rest on the floor!) I gave her a piece of
toilet paper, she likes to wipe, and got one for myself. She
stood up, bent over and we both wiped. To which she said,
“We’re wiping together! It’s teamwork!!” She cracks me up! I
love that my kids get excited about teamwork, even when it’s a
very silly situation. She’s back in the PNP and sleeping
happily. Crazy kid!

I need a new camera. One that doesn’t beep
when it starts up (maybe that’s an option) and one that takes
pictures much quicker. Mostly just one that has a functioning
battery case so I don’t get “Change battery” error messages all
the time. The kids have been really sweet lately (when they’re
not totally crazy!) and twice I’ve tried to get a picture of
them cuddling and reading together, but as soon as they (mostly
Lex) hear the camera turn on… craziness! Oh well. Here are
two pics just seconds after they were sitting and reading very
sweetly together.

 

 

Whenever Eve wears this outfit, which is
often, I always think of Paddington Bear. I Googled for a
picture today and I guess the outfit isn’t quite the same, but
close. Thought I’d share: