I wrote the following, on paper, this
morning while trying to tune out my life. I debated all
afternoon about posting it and finally decided to go ahead and
do it. It’s not pretty, I’ll warn you now. Those of you who’ve
been there will probably laugh at me, and those who haven’t
will probably reconsider ever having a 4yr old!

Anger
I think I was
angrier at Lex this morning than I’ve ever been. Not
out-of-control-kicking-and-screaming angry (that came later!),
just calm, deep anger. It scared me.

For
the past few weeks (two, maybe three) we’ve been having a fight
almost every morning. Lex will lose control for one reason or
another (today it was because he didn’t get the music he
wanted), he’ll start crying and getting physical, I (or Alan)
will put him in his room and we’ll proceed to spend a long time
(over an hour one day!) holding his door closed. Eventually he
will settle down, but not until after a ton of tears, beating
on the door, and throwing random things around his room. It’s
miserable for everyone. Alan suggested getting a lock on the
door, but I think he’ll just pull it out. We need to find a
better way to deal with this. Right now I feel like we’re
paying full attention to the fussing kid and ignoring poor Eve,
who is acting very sweet. Then he bounces back and is happy and
ready to play, but Alan and I feel exhausted and beat down, and
all I want to do is tune them out, which probably doesn’t
help.

This morning Eve asked to listen
to a specific CD. When I started to put it on Lex decided he
wanted a different one, then got angry and threw the CD and a
book at me! The other morning he threw wooden train tracks at
the TV!!! After a while in the office (Alan was sleeping and I
was trying not to wake him… no luck) with me holding the door
closed, he settled down enough that we could go out to Eve’s
swimming lesson. Sadly, when we got there and I tried to check
him in to the childcare room he threw another huge fit. We
discussed it the whole way over and he knew that was the plan
because fussy boys don’t get to swim. I was so angry that we
were still fighting, and in public this time, but mostly
because Eve had to miss her lesson (that she LOVES and we
already paid for) and I didn’t feel like there was anything I
could do about it. Can’t leave a kicking and screaming kid with
the nice lady in the play room, as much as I would have liked
to!! Eve was super sweet and didn’t fuss, but it still isn’t
fair to her. When we got home I put him upstairs and was hugely
relieved that he settled down and didn’t continue to fight. We
often can’t leave him alone up there because he’ll throw things
down the stairs and climb the gate. Today he fussed a bit, but
was mostly calm. I left him up there for about 40 minutes while
I tried to pay Eve some good attention, though I really just
wanted to eat blueberry muffins and lose myself in my computer
or a good book!

I think a big part of
the problem is his diet. He doesn’t eat much, but what he does
eat is mainly bagels and crackers. A carboholic after my own
heart. He’ll sometimes eat sunflower or soy butter sandwiches,
often dried fruit, and lots of milk and oatmeal. I tell myself
it’s ok because it’s not junk food, but I think he may need
more fruits and veggies and probably more food in general. It’s
hard to get him to sit still and eat, he just bounces around
and plays. I want to duct tape him (both of them, really) into
his chair until he eats a reasonable amount of healthy
food!

Now for the mommy guilt. I’ve
started job hunting. Mostly because we need money, but part of
me wonders if I’m just sick of my kids and, if so, what kind of
mom does that make me?!? They are both full of crazy these days
and “why, why, why” and Lex is soooo argumentative and having
trouble grasping the fact that you don’t always get what you
want. He is also very strong and getting more and more
physical, lots of pushing, hitting, throwing, etc. I know these
are all normal and healthy developmental stages, but I feel
like a crazy person lately. Why!?!! I want to be a stronger,
better mother, but I also want to curl up in a hole and check
out for a few days. We just need more stability around here.
And sanity. Next post will be happier, I
promise.

The rest of my day
included a huge fight at “quiet” time with poor Eve falling
asleep to a royal rumble outside her door. He managed to calm
down and stay in my room just long enough for me to get a
shower, then they were both up again. I got a break in the
afternoon because I put in a movie for them to watch. Then
dinner, bath (relatively fight-free) and another brawl at
bedtime. I really need to get control of my own anger. And more
sleep.

I think our problem is
three-fold. 1) Diet 2) The fact that we have no safe space to
put him when he has a tantrum 3) Just his age. I think we can
address 1) and 2) and I guess we’ll just have to wait out 3).
It occurred to me this afternoon that this is nowhere in this
entire house that I can put him, mid tantrum, and just walk
away. He can open all of the doors, climbs the baby gate at the
top of the stairs, and I found out this evening that he can
open the baby gate at the top of the stairs! So when he’s
having a meltdown there is no where I can put him and walk away
myself, just to get a break. I have to remain involved in the
tantrum, thereby raising my anger levels and ignoring Eve. My
love for him is so strong and it scares me that my anger can be
just as strong. I feel like all of my parenting knowledge and
skill just melts away.

Anyway, I have a
ton of Pampered Chef stuff to do and a very messy house, but I
think I’m going to bed early tonight. I feel like I’ve been run
over by a truck!

PS. Ironically, my friend sent
me this today: “Tessa
Johnson Announced as 2009 Mother of the
Year.”