I’m going to try to write a post that I feel strongly, but also have no words for — just feels. The world feels like it’s falling apart and I’m just over here, moments away from sending my little ducklings out into it.

These last few days we’ve had air quality alerts. Something I’ve never experienced before until (I think) this summer. Canada is on fire, the air is hazy, the sky is flat, and we all have irritated noses, throats, and (in E’s case) headaches. According to the local news (WCAX), “Today’s air quality is the 5th worst air quality we’ve seen due to wildfire smoke ever and the 2nd worst air quality we’ve seen from wildfire smoke this year.” We are VERY grateful for our new house and all it’s air filters!

The sun was so red last night that it was casting a red light on my bedroom wall! I took a short walk to get a better picture of it, but this is the best I could get.

Several months ago (maybe last summer, even) I started reading a book called The Ministry for the Future, by Kim Stanley Robinson. It’s a tome of a book with a really interesting premise around climate fiction, but the first chapter starts with a detailed description of a heat wave in India. The story is fiction and futuristic – but barely. The chapter stuck with me and now as the real world gets hotter I keep picturing that heat wave description. I don’t think it will be fiction for much longer. :(

Also, you may have heard, the government is in chaos and democracy is crumbling. Public media is over. Schools and libraries are losing funding. (Our own schools are full of toxic chemicals that no one wants to pay to clean up.) Human rights laws are being rolled back to the 1950s and earlier. Colleges are rolling over to the dictators bullying. Businesses are caving. People are disappearing and dying. Every day citizens are protesting, but it hardly seems impactful.

I donated some money to an aid group (I don’t even remember which one at the moment), and now my social media feed is full of starving children in Gaza. I know that through the years there have been starving people in Syria and Ethiopia and other places, but this one is so easy to fix, if everything else wasn’t falling apart as well. I guess the world has been in a falling apart state in the past, but it’s definitely the worst it’s been in my lifetime. The hatred and disrespect are out of control.

Meanwhile I’m doing my little job and taking my kids to their appointments and trying to decide which businesses are ok to support while I prepare three kids for college. Trying to stay positive. Encouraging them to make plans for their futures. Silently hoping that the Department of Education doesn’t dissolve, student loans don’t disappear, and their chosen colleges don’t decide to cave to the dictator (or maybe they already quietly have, I haven’t checked).

I know that those of you who are older than me have probably seen some stuff and have maybe lived through more ups and downs in this world, but in my eyes, this is the worst… and it’s getting worse by the day. What is the end game here? Where are we heading?

I just finished reading Worthy Brown’s Daughter, by Philip Margolin for my book group. It takes place in the 1860’s and is loosely based on a true story. Towards the end of the story a white woman is talking to a black girl and tells her that a civil war is happening and things will be different when the war is over. The book had nothing to do with the war. It reminded me of a quote (that I’ll butcher here) along the lines of, “None of the dystopian books I read prepared me for the fact that while civilization is crumbling, I’ll still have to go to work.” I guess that’s how I’m feeling these days. The world is on fire, our country is crumbling, but I still have to go manage my library budget and make sure my kids have twin XL sheets for college. Weird.

This isn’t a cry for help or anything. I probably just need to take a social media break, and a walk… when the air quality improves.

PDW (post dog walk): The moon is super red tonight and we have an air quality warning in effect for tomorrow as well. The expression “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” frequently comes to mind.